50. Oh it's 2014 already?

Happy new year! it's the year 2014!

Time to make new mistakes! to meet new obstacles!

So that I can gain more experience! 

nahhh.. not really. 

Let's see, 2013 was really a roller-coaster 

I had so many ups and downs (mostly downs) but thankfully I learned from it

I had happy moments too. The one who really made me feel happy, I am really thankful for it even though we don't talk any more due to the issue we have. 

Memories and feelings with you, I'll remember it.

But that's in the past, no point trying to patch it up. I've made no regrets.

Best highlights in 2013?

1. Doing things and not caring about the consequences. 

2. Met someone special to me but sadly it didn't work out

3. Getting in touch with my "sadistic" side

4. Found that everyone (including me) has a mask on, and some people are more professional in acting

5. Also found a few people whom I like to maintain a friendship with. 

6. Found that being in solitude makes me calm.

I'm hoping that this year is going to be as interesting as last year

I don't mind the challenges or the obstacles

I'm just worried that it's gonna be a dull one.

49. Goodbye...

Lastly, I wouldn't be able to achieve it without your guidance and care.

" You were there when I was weak, afraid and naive

  You kept me sane from my nightmares and anxiety

  You showed me that pain is temporary, and that courage is what I need to overcome fear

  When I was young and naive, you showed me that life can be cruel and hard

  You've helped me stand on my own two feet; to be independent in life

  And You thought me to love and cherish significant people in my life,

  Even though people may walk out from your life, there are a few that are worth your attention.

  There are so many incidents in my life and you were mostly in it, picking me up every single time I  met with  an obstacle.

  Your guidance made me who I am today and I sincerely thank you for that. "

It is not easy to let go of someone who has made such a big impact in your life

A person who was once your pillar of strength

Goodbye my dear 

I wish you all the best in the UK.

48. Turn down the lights...

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

You can't make your heart feel something it won't.

Here in the dark, in these final hours.

I will lay down my heart.

Sigh...

This is what happens when you thought you have finally let go of it.

Why are you in denial?

Once bitten... Twice shy...

But the second bite?

The fool is me, isn't it?

47. Stay strong, little one...

Prayers will not work if you, yourself don't strive for it...

I know high school can be tough, little one
It's something we all have to go through.
Peer and Family pressures are what we all will experience sooner or later.

Don't worry child,
Every time you fall and make mistakes, I'll pick you up.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be there.

Mistakes are experiences.
Don't let past mistakes make you reserve,
Life is all about taking chances and risks.

And each risk you take,
I may or may not support the decision.
But worry not, child...
For I will be there beside you, to help you pick up the pieces again.

46. What happen in the past, stays in the past...

Why would you hold on to something that actually worth nothing in the end?

7 years ago; I gave everything I had.
I am not a fool to go back to the past.
What happen in the past, stays in the past.

Even though we miss each other's affection and comfort,
We know very well that it will not work out.

Time has change both of us,
And I learn a valuable  lesson from our separation.

45. Who would have known...

You, sir.. have really made my day.

Who would have known that a mere stranger can make you day, huh?

Been feeling down the past few days, so it was really great to talk to a mere stranger for a day.
And as well getting to know that he studied in the same area just different schools.

Small world... Such a small world.

Makes me think, that I should be doing the same thing too haha,
going around giving people compliments.

Sigh.. an interesting and fascinating individual, ain't you?

44. Requiem For a Dream...

Who would have thought, that past feelings will rekindle.

You still remember the likes and the dislikes and how picky I can be.

Studying abroad really changed you.

"Wouldn't it be interesting if past lovers got back together?"

A statement a friend made that is currently occupying my mind.

And as well been listening to Clint Mansell's - Requiem for a Dream (or Lux Aeterna)

Been my favourite song ever since I found it 5 - 6 years ago.

43. Once Bitten, Twice Shy...

First time getting drunk yesterday, and honestly... It felt horrible.

I swear, That'll be the first and the last. 

Gosh... I really salute those people who goes to clubs; drinks, get drunk, puke 

And still able to repeat that cycle again.

On a random note, been addicted to Nico Vega's Beast these past few days.

Even though the verses are the same, the song is still good. 

Nico Vega - Beast (Att Version)

42. Broken...

Cause I'm broken when I'm open,

And I don't feel like I am strong enough...

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome,

And I don't feel right when you're gone away...

Yet another emotional day.. tsk! I'm being so sensitive lately.

41. Unexplainable...

Baby, It's not just you,

You know it hurts me too,

Watching you leave with tears on your sleeve,

Don't you notice that mine aren't exactly dry?

Baby, it's not just you that's hurting,

It's me too.

How I wish you knew that walking away from you wasn't easy for me too.

40. Joe Hisashi's Medley

It's been a long time since I've heard such an emotional piano piece.
I had to hold back my tears and told myself not to cry.

Without a doubt, a beautiful piece of work.

39. Speechless

You made me speechless when you said that.
Totally unexpected.
Even though it hurts, the pain will slowly subside.

But sometimes i wonder, why is it always me who takes the pain?
What did I ever do to deserve it?

38. First Love...

- Love is beautiful because that is how you perceive it. -

Do you remember your first love?
That feeling of being so madly in love and you thought that person will be your soul mate or at least thought that he will be the one you are going to get married with.

Naive aren't we?
Who knew that the person you love the most, will be same person who hurts you the most too.
But after going through the pain and suffering to recover from a broken heart, you fall in love again but now with caution.
You don't trust or open up to a person easily and you're afraid of experiencing the same pain again.
I remember my first and second love, both guys played a big part in my life.
Definitely hated the pain of heart break, but it thought me something valuable.

But what I am trying to say is, events like this is just a small phase of life.
You will never know the person walking pass you in the hallway or your best friend would be someone important in your life someday.

" Then, isn't it time to move forward? "
A question that I always ask myself...

37. My thoughts you can't decode...

- I just want someone to hold me when I am at my lowest. -

Recently I have been thinking about everything I did in 2012.
It was like a roller coaster; up and downs non-stop.
I felt a total mix emotions of happy/sad/disappointment.

Sometimes, I just feel like throwing away everything that I have built from scratch.
Pretend that everything didn't happened
So no burn marks, no scars, no telling lies, no pushing people away.

At times I wonder,
What I would be if everything didn't happened?
Would I be happier than I am now?

P.S: Sorry about all the emo/moody posts. I'm just feeling sensitive I guess.

36. Opportunities...

When the opportunity comes, will you hesitate? Or just grab it? 

Had a talk with a close friend of mine the other day,
He was given an opportunity, but he was hesitant to grab it.
Thinking whether it was worth it.
He asked if I was the one, given the opportunity, would I be hesitant?
When he asked, it was like deja vu. I remember asking myself the same question.

I said, 
There was once I was given an opportunity.
Without hesitation, I grab it without even thinking about the consequences..
For all I know, I was happy, I really felt it.
But in the end, I walked away from it.

"Why walk away?"
Afraid and confused. 
Or maybe it was the fact that I don't deserve it.
People would say that you're stupid for giving up something you have always wanted.
But what do they know?
It was not an easy decision to make.

"Any regrets?"
No regrets.
Grateful for the experience and memories made.
If I had not taken it, I wouldn't have felt it.
Sometimes I do think that I'm stupid for walking out,
Since opportunities comes once in a blue moon.
I have come to accept that having regrets in these situations is meaningless..
Because at that moment, that opportunity
Was what I really wanted the most.

Just grab it now, because you will never know what the outcome until you experience it.
Life is unexpected and full of surprises.
Go out and explore.
You never know what will be waiting for you when you seize that opportunity.

35. Walked a thousand miles...

Eminem - Beautiful

- In my shoes, just to see

what it's like to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes

Just to see what it'd be like to 

Feel your pain, You feel mine

Go inside each other's minds

Just to see what we find

Look at shit through each others eyes -

I know I haven't been appreciating much with the things (and people) around me

And it kinda hurts that people tend to jump in to conclusion without hearing the other side of the story..

Do you know how excruciating it is to receive something that you know you don't deserve it..

By saying so, people will say "Why don't you keep your mouth shut and accept it?" or "Unappreciative brat"..

Well... Why don't you be in my shoes for a day,

Experience the demons of my past which made me who I am, the current me

The reason behind every act that I'm doing now.

But after experiencing it,

Do you think you will understand the significance of it?

I doubt so...

34. Wash away..

Literally spend an hour under the shower and wished that it'll just wash away everything.

33. Insecurities...

Been having a lot insecurities lately.
And honestly I don't like it...

I've been lying to myself.
Being someone that I'm not.
Pushing away people that I need the most.

Above all,
I'm making decisions which I dunno I'll regret or not.
But I'm willing to take on the consequences.
Reason?
To be able to feel calm again..
Maybe that's the reason?
Or I might just be lying to myself again..

31. Tranquillity...

- Photography is like a drug that keep my emotions at peace... -

I'm back in Malaysia! :D
had a great bonding time with my dear brother~
and Congrats to him graduating from ANU
:)

:3 happy boy~

**P.S: Post without photos... cause I am still editing it; I'm becoming lifeless~~ T.T **

btw Sydney was awesome and tiring at the same time
cause we kinda walk from the central bus station to our hotel
and after settling down in our hotel, we walked AGAIN :( around the city
visited Queen Victoria Mall, it was beautiful! :)
and while we were walking to the mall, there were so many old buildings that was used as shopping complexes.
I was the happiest girl in the Sydney when I saw all those buildings but I wasn't familiar with the DSLR
and I took crappy photos.. = = like wth... ISO, aperture, brightness, etc and the people.. giving me problems.
I sad :( really feel like wanna go back and retake..
we visited Chinatown too~ so ngam we went on Friday got pasar malam~
stuff there was so cheap yet so expensive once it is converted to MYR :/

since Christmas and Boxing Day was near, everywhere was having SALE
dollar to dollar, it's so cheap T.T, can cry.. want to buy but can't, ishhhh!
Gucci, Prada, Chanel, CK, branded stuff for like 50 AUD?
that's cheap, if you dont convert it la lol
unfortunately, Beats Headphones by Dr. Drake was still too expensive to buy :(
oh! and during the time we went, the shops didn't close as early as the shops in Canberra...
could be due to Christmas :D
Inu and I walked around the city at 11pm and there's still shops open; not bad not bad xD

there's like a lot of Asians in Sydney..
everywhere i went, eat or just on the streets, they are everywhere xD
oh and there's ChaTime too! lol
every street or mall, there's a ChaTime outlet
while walking to Chinatown, I think I saw 4 - 5 outlets O_o
haha saw a Taiwanese dessert shop that looks like Snowflake too

My mind wasn't preoccupied as much as before
could be due to the tiredness of a very pack schedule we have during our stay..
Inu kept bringing me out sight seeing, haha like a small kid~
and doing something I like, kinda calm me down
thanks to Inu's DSLR, the distraction that I really need at that moment...

I still second guess myself about my decisions even after I calmed down..
but you know what? screw it!
I'm young though2012iscomingandwearescrewed, I make mistakes
I learn or dont from my past mistakes
but that's just life I guess, I'm not perfect
I'm sure itlltakeahellofalongtimeformetorecover but...
I'm tired of thinking already... not my style
I feel I became older thinking so much, not good! LOL

30. Greetings from Canberra, Australia

Yup.. I'm currently in Canberra, Australia spending time with my brother here after his graduation in ANU. The scenery and the environment here is great just that the shopping mall closes at 5 or 6pm, Aussie time. :/ super early wehhhh~~ no night life :/

And I'm not used to the weather here :( making me inactive due to the cold weather T.T I should be hibernating xD
And I gained back the weight that I loss during my exam period! Damn! Food here is just so damn awesome :( can't stop munching @.@ oh and I kinda think I got tan due to the sunburn T.T imagine im going sydney on the 23rd and it's gonna be blazing hot there..:/ sigh~ go back must "bai" (fair) back weh~ after my Inu don't want me xD haha

My mind has been occupied these past few days.. with stuff questioning about my decisions.. Since there is no distractions here * yes, I tend to avoid stuffs that don't wanna think about*, it somehow forced me to think about it.. And it sucks like literally..

I'm not a person who thinks so much about a situation or about anything.. I go with the flow... So now I'm thinking.. Why am I so worked up about it? Why don't I just go with the flow of the situation and solve it along the way..? Easy right? But somehow it's not..

Maybe cause my decisions that I choose now, might affect me.. Choosing the wrong decision, shows that I didn't learn my mistakes in the past.. It'll be just the same. Hmmm...
The temptation.. To do wrong feel so right at times..

Is it worth it?
You tell me..
Because I'm lost in my thoughts..